Biscuit Wars

Plain versus fancy

Biscuits: the high point of any work meeting. When an edict was issued at my place of work to say that petty cash could no longer be used to buy biscuits for staff meetings, we took it upon ourselves to take turns in buying our own. [Subtext, any meeting would be unbearable without our little bursts of hydrogenated fat, refined sugar and carbohydrate!] I don’t know why I’m writing about them at a time when I’m trying not to buy or eat them (well, actually, I’ve answered that one, haven’t I - the epitome of food porn!). Have a look at the list and see what you think. I can see that I’ve made some controversial choices for the ‘worst’ list, let me know how you feel.

THE BEST

1. Marks and Spencer: Raspberry Cream sandwich fingers

I never thought I’d find a biscuit that I liked more than the Jam and Cream ring but reader, this is it! It all lies in the light, buttery-ness of the biscuit.

2) The Jaffa Cake

Of course the controversy rages on as to whether this is a biscuit or a cake. (All centring on the fact that a biscuit goes soft when it goes stale, a cake hard - ergo a jaffa cake must be a cake cos it goes hard….) Who cares! I still remember what a jaffa cake used to taste like when we never really had them in our house  and they were a rare treat; the orange bit was like a little slice of sunshine! They don’t have quite the same appeal now, when I can afford to buy them whenever I want them (there is a life lesson on there somewhere), but they are still rather lovely.

3) The good, old-fashioned chocolate digestive.

Lovely with a cup of tea, arguably more of an Autumn/Winter biscuit than a Spring/Summer one. (What do you think about that? Do biscuit have seasons, like drinks? E.g Pimms in Summer??)

4) Fox’s Chunkie cookies

Highly calorific, with chunks of chocolate, a buttery biscuit, what’s not to like!

5) Shortcake

Much nicer if you make it yourself but quite adequate when it comes from a packet - perfect for dipping in tea, Winter and Summer alike.

THE WORST

1) Rich Tea

I ate a lot of these when I was pregnant, in a bid to stem the outrageous tide of  morning sickness. (As they are so dry, they mop up excess moisture. Bread is good for morning sickness too - no wonder pregnancy makes you put on weight!) I guess I should be grateful to them for their nausea-reducing properties alone, but they’re not really very special, are they? Supposedly popular because they maintain their shape after being dunked in a cup of tea but still slightly reminiscent of chewing on wallpaper paste.

2) Fig Roll

This was one that I was asked to add as one of the best biscuits! (As if!) Plus points are that they are relatively low in calorie and high in fibre, but is this really what we look for in a biscuit? I must admit that I used to hate these but now, as my tastes have changed, I don’t loathe them and would eat them if I was stuck on a desert island; where a consignment of fig rolls had washed up on the shore but they will never be my favourite. However, they are certainly not as bad as the next villains on the list:

3) The Ginger Nut

Yuk! If you have them in a biscuit tin, they pollute every single other biscuit in the vicinity.

You either love em or hate em, I think it’s obvious what camp I fall into.

4) The Garibaldi

Squashed fly biscuits. Do you want to be reminded of dead (disease-ridden, germ-carrying) insects when you have your elevenses? No, neither do I.

5) Bourbon Creams

I know I’m going to make myself unpopular, here, but aren’t these ever so slightly bitter? And not in a good way, like dark chocolate. Bitter and a bit claggy. A kind of custard cream in negative, but with none of the custard cream’s simple charm.

P.S The biscuits in the cover photo are homemade ones - lovingly crafted by my friend, Claire. These biscuits were wonderful (even the Bourbon creams) homemade biscuits are the best!

The Road to Happiness

I am trying to use social media and this blog as a force for good, rather than evil which is why I've written this post. Who am I to give advice on how to be happy? No one, really, just someone who has read a lot of self-help books; and we all know that that makes us an expert! ;) And someone who has had a lot of therapy but shh, we won’t talk about that here - I've already spoken about that in my post about depression:

http://msmuddles.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/the-missing-piece.html

There is no way to give advice without sounding sanctimonious and patronising. But try and suspend your cynicism for a while and have a little read. This is a hodge-podge of tips, recommendations and tried and tested techniques for improvement of mood and general well being.

1. Don’t have the T.V on all day as background noise. Watch your favourite programmes but don’t just have the T.V as a backdrop to your life. Note: as more and more of us watch things on our computers, I’m not sure how relevant this tip is! Perhaps we all need to spend more time away from screens, generally! Why? Because electronic screens can be detrimental to your sleep patterns. Because, although social media can often be a force for the good, it can also be a bit alienating sometimes. I’ll give you one example,  when you are ‘trying for a baby’ the world and Facebook in particular, seems to be absolutely crammed with pregnant women! You don’t really need to read about that just before bed, do you? Have a one hour embargo before bed. (I really need to follow my own advice here!)  

2. Get as close to nature as you can - even if it’s just a walk in the local park, it’s good to be around green things. (Especially when you have a hangover)

3. Being sociable is good for you - pick up the phone (or text/email/snapchat/facetime). I've been guilty in the past of waiting for the invites to come to me. If you want to see people and socialise then you have to put in a bit of effort. I must admit that fear of rejection hampered me but don’t worry about that. Sometimes, if people say no, it’s not because they don’t want to see you, it’s because they are genuinely busy, (even if it is because they don’t want to see you then it’s their loss ;)) just move on to someone else. (I don’t want that to seem like I view my friends as some kind of bank of people, I'm sure you know what I mean).

4. Do some exercise. Yeah, it had to rear its ugly head at some point, didn't it! But, you know, endorphins... human beings built to move... gives you a better sleep (sometimes), blah-di-blah.

5. Do something for other people; whether it be a daily act of kindness, voluntary work, fundraising or just helping a neighbour - this has been shown to make people feel happier - FACT! (Again, this is something that I need to do more of myself, as the standing order to Amnesty International, the odd donation to Save the Children and some obscure conservation charity that I signed up to 15 years ago before I was assertive enough to do a body-swerve around the enthusiastic charity conscripters that propagate our shopping centres, isn't enough.)

6. Talking about being assertive - Say ‘no’ sometimes; it’s good for you. If you don’t have the time/are exhausted/don’t want to then it’s probably better to decline, rather than let the seething resentment build up in your guts.

7. Do something nice for yourself. (I'm beginning to make myself feel a tad queasy now but I must persevere - and so must, you, reader!) Someone I once knew, who may or may not have got herself involved in a cult, used to go around dispensing advice and trying to change all our lives (Lordy! That’s not what I'm doing here, is it!?!) said one thing which resonated with me. When I talked about feeling guilty about buying clothes or anything thing else for myself, she said ‘I don’t feel guilty about buying nice things for myself because it sends a message to yourself that you’re worth it’

Now, you could construe this as an endorsement of capitalism or some kind of bullshit, American sentiment but, if you are someone who has low self-esteem, it can actually be quite helpful. Doing something for yourself doesn't have to involve spending loads of money, it could mean saying ‘no’ to something you don’t want to do - see above, or watching your favourite film (bleurgh, I'm sorry, please bear with) ah, sod it, just go and buy yourself a new top and/or a cake go on - dot it!! (don’t get yourself into debt - go to a charity shop in a posh area - they have nice stuff and have a look at the chocolates/cake in Lidl and Aldi but if you have type 2 diabetes, maybe give the cake a miss!). You could also buy yourself a book, some perfume/aftershave, a record....

Lastly, two that I've cribbed from a previous blog post:

8) Stop comparing yourself to other people

Don’t worry about what they've achieved and you haven’t. Don’t worry about the things that they have in their life that appear to be missing from yours.

Just keep on swimming.

Does that sound all bullshit and touchy-feely? I don’t care.

I don’t  mean that you should let go of your aspirations and stop trying - quite the opposite, what I mean is just focus on your own goals and don’t worry about anyone else.

9) Don’t regret the things that you haven’t done.

No point looking back into the past and regretting the travelling you didn't do or the musical instrument you didn't take up - you can’t change anything about the past, all you can do is either plan to do that stuff now, or shelve it and move on.

10) Don’t avoid doing things for fear of what other people might think.

Obviously I'm not talking about murder or incest (or line-dancing) here; rather jobs, courses, travelling, stand-up comedy and the rest of it. Someone I bumped into the other day said that she wouldn't want to do a photography course because it was such a cliché (for who - I'm not sure). What a shame - not to do something you wanted to do because it was a cliché! Who cares! Really?

Anyway; that’s it, I'm done. Have a splendid weekend. See you soon. :D

Resting bitch face

In my day it was commonly known as the ‘Cheer up, love; it might never happen!’ phenomenon. People (men) shouted this out to me all the time when I was a teenager. I was told that the correct retort to this should be - ‘It already has [happened] - to your mother!’ But I grew up in a rough area, to have uttered this response would have been tantamount to suicide. Anyway, it was generally considered that my face, in repose, looked a bit unfriendly and forbidding. Even a dear friend of mine said to me once; ‘You can look a bit fierce!’

This is a picture of me, feeding the sheep at a petting farm:

I didn't include it when I put the pictures of our farm visit on Facebook because I seem to be wearing a rather ferocious looking scowl. (And yet I've put it on here! It's almost as if I don't expect anyone to read this blog!) The truth of it is that I was nervous. I was trying to demonstrate to my children that there was nothing to be scared of; that the animals were quite gentle and harmless, but I was worried that I was going to get bitten myself! (Yes, I know sheep aren't thought of as being particularly dangerous but they have got quite big teeth....) This picture makes me want to get a botox injection and it also makes me aware of why I often find myself standing alone at conferences - I don’t look very approachable.

‘Resting bitch face’ is defined thus by the Urban dictionary:

resting bitch face. a person, usually a girl, who naturally looks mean when her face is expressionless, without meaning to. Nah, she's just got a resting bitch face, ...

‘Usually a girl’!! At least ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ isn't confined to the female sex, in fact, I'm pretty sure my spouse has had it said to him on occasion (we’re a very cheery-looking couple!). R.B.F - as I'm now going to refer to it as, is an American import but when I first saw the meme, floating around social media, it could have been talking directly about me.

Apparently, I'm not alone; this article from the Washington Post, identifies the Queen, actresses Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick and arch scowler, Kayne West, as being prone to RBF.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/02/02/scientists-have-discovered-the-source-of-your-resting-bitch-face/

What it also states is that, although some software has ascertained that men are just as likely as women to have RBF, it is perceived as being a mainly female phenomenon! The reason for this, the article concludes, is that women are more likely than men to put a 'brave face on things' or expected to be happy and smiling! So, quite without realising it, I have actually been presenting a kind of feminist protest, with my miserable-looking visage. Every cloud has a sliver lining, right?

I'll leave you with a picture of me glaring at my book, mainly because it has my daughter as a squidgy 4 month old in it, resting on my legs.

Although this whole post could be seen to be incredibly narcissistic - me, me me; look at me and my miserable face, at least I could be seen to be showing a refreshing lack of vanity in sharing these hideously unflattering pictures!

Five films to watch if you're feeling blue

So, the weather dreadful and it’s two weeks until pay-day. You haven’t stuck to your self-imposed, restrictive healthy eating plan (or is that just me??). What films should you watch if you’re in need of cheering up? Here are my personal recommendations. Please feel free to add your own.

1. My Neighbour Totoro

DIr: Hayao Miyazaki

Fun for all the family. Although this is a children’s film, we watched this long before we had kids and it brightened up a dull, Sunday afternoon.

MEI and SATSUKI are two young sisters who move to the countryside with their father while their mother is having a prolonged stay in hospital. They meet up with a friendly neighbourhood troll one day and their adventures begin. Totoro - the troll in question, is the most adorably squidgy fellow that you’d ever hope to meet. Enough said.

2. Life is Sweet
   

Dir: Mike Leigh.

Jane Horrocks plays NICOLA; a young woman with lots of issues. She is anorexic, unemployed and generally pissed off with the world. Her favourite word is ‘Bollocks’, which she casts about constantly. Claire Skinner plays her tomboy twin sister, NATALIE, who works as a plumber and has her life sorted. Jim Broadbent and Alison Steadman play their hapless parents, ANDY and WENDY.

This is a joyous film; full of warmth and hope. It also has moments of bathos and comic absurdity.  Andy’s friend, AUBREY, (played by the brilliant Timothy Spall) opens a restaurant serving a menu of disgusting and pretentious sounding food.

What I like about ‘Life is Sweet’  is that, issues surrounding eating disorders and unemployment notwithstanding, it is a positive, unpatronising portrayal of working class life. Kind of the antithesis of ‘Rita, Sue and Bob too’ (although I do quite like that film too). It is moving without being sentimental. Long before Leigh’s ‘Another Year’, it has a happy marriage at its core, based on mutual liking and respect. The family love and look out for each other, even if they don’t necessarily understand each other.

3. Amelie
   

Dir: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

As we walked into the cinema, my companion said to me, ‘The review of this film says that it defies anybody to be unhappy when they come out of it!’ He said this to me because a) I can be perceived as a bit of a stroppy cow and b) I was in a bit of bad mood that day. Anyway, the reviewer was right; a wonderfully weird and romantic film with stunning visuals, I definitely came out happier then I went in (and not just because of the ‘family’ bag of Revels I’d just had).

4. Zoolander (the first one!)

Dir: Ben Stiller

Delightfully silly and surprisingly subversive (their criticism of the fashion industry is spot on - eating disorders, exploitative trading practices with developing countries etc). Phrases like ‘blue steel’ and ‘u-goo-gilly’ have made it into common parlance now.

5. It’s a Wonderful Life
   

Dir: Frank Capra

James Stewart and Donna Reed. A depressed, suicidal man, GEORGE BAILEY, is shown what life in his hometown would have been like if he’d never existed. Slightly schmaltzy in parts but we can forgive Jimmy Stewart anything. Brilliant scene at the school dance. If you’ve never seen this then you’re in for a real treat!

The 10 best books about adolescence

What is about books about teenagers that make them stay with us? Is it because this time represents a comma in our own lives - the time before everything changes? I've compiled a highly personal list - feel free to contact me about any glaring omissions or suggestions of your own.

1. The Soul brothers and Sister Lou by  Kristin Hunter

I got this out of the school library when I was about thirteen and it really made an impact on me. What I remember of it is that it is about a young girl/woman finding her identity and negotiating tricky areas of race and politics. This is a book that doesn't talk down to its readers. This is the description on Amazon (other web based book suppliers are available):

African-American teen Louretta Hawkins discovers music and, through it, the worth of her black identity. She navigates an urban world of poverty, overcrowding, hostile police, and feuding gangs to emerge triumphant, secure in her talent and in the love of her family and friends. Winner of the Council on Interracial Books for children award as the year's best book for older children. "Packs a wallop Taut, fast-moving, absorbing, and believable, it probes with honest realism the problems of a wide range of unforgettable characters This powerful book deserves wide reading." -Book World

2. Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret by Judy Blume

Judy Blume was/is the queen of adolescent literature and this book deals with all the issues surrounding puberty. I think that it resonated with me at the time because Margaret was also dealing with issues surrounding the fact that her parents were from different religious faiths. My own issues were slightly similar (although in my case it was cultural differences) I can’t remember whether it’s in this book where Margaret thinks that one of her neighbours is Hitler, living incognito! I remember questioning everybody about whether Hitler was actually dead, when I was a child, him and Jack the Ripper.

3. Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume

Almost the companion book to the one above in that this one deals with puberty from the male perspective. I was quite confused as a child as to why the main character felt the need to wear long coats or carry a book around with him at all times to hide his groin at certain times of the day! All is clear now…I think!

4. I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

One of my all time favourite books! Cassandra, her older sister, Rose and their younger brother, live in genteel poverty in a ruined castle with their eccentric father who has written one brilliant book, years ago but nothing since. The really wonderful thing about this book is that the characters are so life-like, the main character, Cassandra, sounds particularly authentic. The book deals with first love but the more interesting relationships are the family ones - between the two sisters and between Cassandra and her father.

5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Amazon again: The critically acclaimed debut novel from Stephen Chbosky, Perks follows observant “wallflower” Charlie as he charts a course through the strange world between adolescence and adulthood. First dates, family drama, and new friends. Sex, drugs, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I hold my hands up here - I haven’t read it! Shameful to include it in the list but the film is so brilliant that the book just has to be, too!

6. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Katniss Everdeen kicks ass and shoots to kill. She is resilient and resourceful as she negotiates her way around the dystopian landscape. She is also compassionate and loyal - a true role model!

7. My Mad, Fat, Teenage Diary by Rae Earl

The genuine diary of the teenage Rae Earl  which tells of her struggles after her spell in a psychiatric ward. She has issues with her weight and with her mother but there is a thread of humour and self-awareness, running through the diary which prevents it from being depressing.

8. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Not strictly about adolescence but had to include it as Jane grows up in the book. She refuses to be beaten down, by Mrs Reed or by her teachers or by Rochester or St John Rivers - the ultimate rebel and feminist heroine, lives life on her own terms. Writes for another position after becoming bored at the school in her role as teacher.

9. Jacqueline Wilson, ‘Girls’ books - Girls in Love, Girls under Pressure, Girls out late etc.

If Judy Blume is the American queen of teen, then maybe Jacqueline Wilson can be said to hold the British mantle. Friendships, eating disorders, love, betrayal.

10. His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman

I read these as an adult. Wonderful, brilliant books that detail alternative realities and quantum physics and murder and betrayal and religion and sex! (Do Lyra and Will have sex at the end? I remember having many pub conversations about this. One thing is clear is that they have some kind of sexual awakening which could be perceived as sin but in these books signals the beginning of knowledge and enlightenment.)

Adversity makes for more interesting reading

Be honest with me, reader, do you ever look at the pictures that people post on Facebook of their wonderful holidays or blissful days out, and just think - 'Oh, sod off!' Particularly if you are having a cruddy day, yourself. It is partly the fault of social media, we tend to put up the edited highlights of our lives, cherry pick the photos and neglect to mention the crippling diarrhoea that had the whole family in its grips on day two of the holiday. (unless you are Billy Connolly and get a whole stand-up routine out of it). Don't worry, this isn't one of those, 'Isn't my life wonderful' pieces, this, instead is a catalogue of mild mishaps, accidents and calamities that happened on a family day trip on one day - today in fact. People seem to like lists (I'm very fond of them myself) and they do seem to be easier to read, so I'm doing this in list form.

1) We set forth, with joy in our hearts, to visit Arundel Castle (although perhaps the joy thing was just me - I love castles). Only to find when we got there that the castle is closed on Mondays. Never mind, Arundel is a charming little place, crammed with antique shops and second hand book shops and old fashioned sweet shops where they weigh out the sweets. (none of which we could be bothered to venture into with the kids). We stopped for lunch in a coffee shop, had some very nice cake, spent a surprisingly large amount of money and decided to go to Littlehampton instead, which was just round the corner.

2) Got to Littlehampton, went down onto the beach. Buffeted by bracing winds but the kids seemed to like it - drawing pictures in the sand etc.. Kids went looking for rock pools, younger daughter fell over in the sea and got soaked from head to foot. We did NOT have a change of clothes for her, so after much dithering, decided to walk into to town, find a cheap clothes shop and buy her a tracksuit or similar. Halfway to town, had to double back because older daughter needed a poo. Half an hour later, walked into town again.

3) After a fruitless trip to Lidl, eventually found suitable clothes in another shop, bought replacement clothes and as we were leaving the shop noticed that it was absolutely chucking it down outside. Put rain cover on pushcahir. After some tedious wrangling, persuaded older daughter to put her hood up, put my hood up and ran across the square with her. This was where everything seemed to turn into a bizarre cine film from the 1970s. I was holding my daughter's hand and I felt her slipping over, I held on harder and tried to pull her up, but instead of keeping her upright I fell down with her. I think I somersaulted over her and landed slap, bang on my face. Is there anything quite so exquisitely painful as slapping your forehead, nose, mouth and chin against concrete? Everything burned and my nose burst open. I righted myself, looked round to check on my daughter (who was fine) then proceeded to cry, noisy, embarrassing tears from the pain and the shock. (I think I might have also uttered an expletive). Everything speeded up here, my other half hurried over, asked someone if they were all right (I assumed he was talking to my daughter as we tend to ignore each other's physical complaints since we've had kids; 'you've got dengue fever, never mind, man-up and give the kids a bath!') He was actually talking to me though, as he helped me up he said - 'you're really bleeding!' He then (out of all concern but more stridently than he realised) came at me with a tissue and I felt like my nose had burst afresh! All this time it was still chucking it down with rain, my older daughter had started crying, more at the sight of my blood, we think, and there was a dispassionate audience huddled under a shelter at the edge of the square. I was mortified and scurried into a corner where my husband passed me tissue after tissue and it felt like the blood would never stop. (I've never had a nosebleed before, so forgive me if this all sounds a bit diva-ish) Amongst all of this a kind woman (perhaps not all the spectators were as uncaring as it first seemed) came up to me with a wad of tissues. I hope I thanked her, I think I did.
'Do you think my nose is broken?' I asked the old man.
'I don't know.' He replied. 'Does it hurt?'
It was more numb than painful and nothing hurt more than my wounded pride.
A broken nose is all my (already asymmetrical) face needs, I thought, bitterly.
Anyway, we repaired to a pub where I changed the younger daughter into her new, dry clothes. And I had hot tea and a brandy - I don't care if there is no scientific proof that brandy helps with shock or that people mock soap opera characters for offering tea in times of distress, both things helped me.
On the way home my older daughter said to me: 'I fell over in a puddle.'
'Never mind', I said, 'I bust my nose open'. (I know I shouldn't, I know I should have played it down but I couldn't help it).
'And I fell over in the sea', the younger one piped up.
We laughed!

Stranded with my Cosmopolitan

There I was, in a packed pub, getting hotter and hotter in my coat, scarf, jumper etc. All my friends; all the people I wanted to talk to, were embedded deep into other clusters, like chocolate chips who had sunk to the bottom of a cheap, badly made sponge cake.  My drink was precariously balanced, I stood on the brink of an abyss. The vultures were circling - two women; women who I knew but wasn’t particularly friendly with, looked me up and down. Yes, they did! They did that scanning thing that some women subject other women to, like the Terminator doing his 1980s, computerised assessment. Age - wrong side of 40, weight - fatter/thinner than me, clothes….

Why do some women do this? It is immensely unsettling. If you are born into a gender that is constantly judged on its appearance then it is somewhat inescapable. Your weight, especially, is under constant scrutiny and because of this, you turn it (the scrutiny) on the other members of your tribe to ascertain whether they are fatter than you. It is total bullshit and I do try to avoid it at all costs. I wasn’t brought up in a bubble though and there was almost a sense, in my house, that the thinner you were, the more morally superior you were. I try to resist, at all turns, being drawn into discussions about my own or any other woman’s weight, but, I am ashamed to say, that I do notice it (I just try not to comment on it).

Anyway, there I was, undergoing the Terminator scan, neither of these women said ‘hello’ by the way, wondering what they could find to assess, as I was cloaked in my heavy winter coat and massive scarf. My scarf is hectares long and a silvery grey colour and really thick. Wearing it feels like being enveloped by a benevolent yeti. It seems extravagant to say that you love an item of clothing but I bloody love that scarf (I also love my slippers). Perhaps the Terminators were admiring my scarf?? Perhaps I’m being paranoid in imagining that I was so interesting to them (this is entirely plausible and brings back memories of changing rooms and my my mum saying - ‘no-one is looking at you!’) But, if we are being uncharitable, then perhaps we can assume that I was being assessed, (perhaps) being found wanting and trying not to spill my (expensive, ill-gotten cocktail - the barmaid had rolled her eyes when I’d ordered it). I circumvented the group of lions (so it wasn't an abyss then, more of a savannah; pick a metaphor, stick to it) went round to the other side of the massive group and a male friend of mine cheerily called, ‘Alright, how’s it going?’

Now, I don’t want to turn my back on the sisterhood here, most of my best friends are women and I fully realise that men are just as capable of doing the Terminator scan (and not just for assessing how fuckable a woman is). I know plenty of men who talk about people’s weight and appearance and plenty of women who don’t. But, if you are a man or a woman and someone comes along to join a social group, hovering uncertainly on the edges like an ungainly bison at a watering hole; don’t just do the full body scan, smile and say ‘hello’!