Time Out

Around this time last year, I wrote this post:
https://msmuddles.blogspot.com/2017/12/because-youre-worth-it.html
About going easy on yourself, not expecting perfection and taking a step back. Boy do I need to follow my own advice right now.

Right, I’ve always had a tendency to tut and sigh, heavily at times, without realising it, others have helpfully pointed it out, but now I’ve realised that I’ve actually started groaning aloud! Friends, I’m stressed up to the eyeballs at the moment, I’m irritable, emotional and the other day I fell asleep in the pub and I wasn’t even drunk - maybe I’ve developed late onset narcolepsy! So, I’ve been thinking about ways to decompress and take time out because this time of year seems to bring on full on meltdown (or is it just me?). I swear, if one more person asks me if I’ve done all my Christmas shopping….Note: I’ve done NONE of my Christmas shopping! This is not because I’m a last minute, fly by the seat of your pants, buy everything on Christmas Eve, it’s because my daughter’s birthday is next week and all my resources are going into prepping for her party. (Plus I’ve been really skint and have only just got paid). Anyhoo, that’s enough about me, bless you if you’ve preserved past this drivel, let’s talk about YOU, how can YOU relax? Because it’s very important to take care of yourself.

1) Listen to some music, preferably on noise cancelling headphones.

Shut out the whole world and their selfish, unreasonable demands for an hour.
May I recommend
Stars by Dubstar for an uplifting song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddlIPv-DAeM
Strange, kinda ghostly and kinda flat verses, interspersed by an almost operatic chorus. Enormously uplifting, especially of you lift your arms up in time to the chorus and sing along as best you can.
b.  Toxic Girl by Kings of Convenience for a relaxing song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9UauaXTXUI
I’ve never heard of them either, but this song came up on a Greatest Indie Anthems album and it’s really soothing, especially if you pay no heed to the lyrics. (Actually all their songs are rather soothing, am listening to them as I type this)
c.      Young folks by Peter Bjorn and John if you’re feeling emotionally constipated and need a good cry - it’s so melancholy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iArXv64tCJA

Of course, this is a personal list, you’re bound to have your own go to songs, for every occasion, so go forth and listen to them.

2) Have a massage
Ask around to see if your friends can recommend anyone - then when you find someone good, tell me about it.

3) Buy yourself a gift
Next time you go Christmas shopping, buy yourself a present too! Ha ha, I tend to do this sometimes anyway, especially in book shops.

4) Take time to read
Find a really quiet cafe, buy yourself the beverage of your choice, turn off your phone and read for an hour. If books aren’t your jam, read a magazine or a paper.

5) Wrap up warm and go to the zoo
 Go to the zoo/urban farm/park and look at some animals for a while. The farm is a good option because you can often feed and pet the animals and this is good for bringing down your heart rate.

6) Get Arty
Buy some cheap art materials and paint something - maybe a picture of that goat you took a particular shine to at the Urban farm

7) Socialise
Spend time with people who make you feel good or who make you laugh. Sounds a bit wanky, I know, but enormously therapeutic.

8) Ceremonial stress relief
Write your worries down on scraps of paper and have a ceremonial burning ceremony, or just rip them up and throw them away.

9) Bake something. 
Method, routine, the satisfaction of having created something. If you’re feeling virtuous, gift it someone, if you feel in need of a treat, eat the thing you baked on a really nice plate, accompanied by your favourite beverage (again) in your favourite cup. (If you don’t have a favourite cup, buy yourself a nice cup, as part of point 3!)

10. Give yourself a break
 Don’t worry about being fat (this one's for me) because one of your favourite animals is a seal and seals are fat and gorgeous and everybody loves them!

Now, go forth, you magical unicorn and sparkle! Or, alternatively, put your feet up and relax.

What do I do now?

Oh my goodness, it’s nearly the end of November and I’ve nearly finished my book! When I say book I really mean the 50,000 words I signed up to write at the start of November - #NaNoWriMo. It’s only flipping worked - I’m nearing the end of the book and I’ve written 48,340 words! Of course, as I haven’t been editing as I’ve gone along (as per the instructions, I’d never have been able to write that much if I’d worried about little things like plot and syntax) I don’t know whether the book will actually be any good or not but I’m feeling very attached to it. I like my likeable characters, am irked by the irksome ones, am slightly besotted with the love interest. In short, I’m going to really miss it when it’s finished. What am I going to do with myself now? Because all that time I was spending writing was time when I wasn’t worrying about what needed to be done for my daughter’s impending birthday or for Christmas. I wasn’t stressing about who had spoken to me sharply that day and whether I was going to chalk it down to experience or hold a grudge against them forever. While I was working on my lovely book, I didn’t think about how much weight I’d put on or how much money I’d spent on new clothes. Come to think about it, when I was writing I wasn’t splashing out on a load of shite I probably didn’t need, either. Most significantly, I was also holding back any feelings of loss and grief which have been a massive feature of this year.
So I think we can safely say that I was using writing as a form of escapism, in the same way that I’ve always used reading as escapism. I think that’s why I detest book snobbery, because books have always provided solace for me, so who is anyone else to dictate what you should be reading or what books have merit.

When I first embarked on NaNoWriMo I told a couple of people that I thought it would be good for me - motivationally speaking, as I always do my homework. (Perhaps I am a people pleaser after all, although I’m reluctant to admit it) The writing never felt like a chore though, I loved it! It was so liberating just to be instructed to write, write and write, without worrying about editing, the most important thing was to get the words down. Every now and again I’d stop and think - does this look right? Does this feel authentic? Then I’d skip on, telling myself, it didn’t matter, it’ll all come right in the edits.

• I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but I had a short story published in an anthology, this year. Between you and me, I think I’ve always had somewhat unrealistic expectations about being published. I never expected unheralded riches, but perhaps I thought I would feel something profound. But when I tell you what I expected to feel, perhaps you will see why I was always set up for disappointment. *Whispers* I think I expected to feel valued, appreciated, accepted, yikes, loved even.  It really pains me to admit this. I saw a comedian at the weekend and he showed us (the audience) a picture of him standing with two other smiling comedians.

“Look at us - we’ve all got the same eyes.” He quipped. “We’re saying - ‘Love us, love us, please love us!.”
I laughed in recognition. It was great to be congratulated on being published, far less great to read some of the harsh reviews. My brother, who studied psychology, told me once that some psychologist said that all Art was an expression of mental illness. This stayed with me. I was fully prepared to accept that I was mentally ill. Nowadays I feel that perhaps it’s less about being sick and more about being heard, though.

Friends, I’m worried about what the actual flip I am going to do when I finish this book.  I’ve set myself the rule that I won’t look at it again until the New Year, so I can look at it with ‘fresh eyes’ and begin the onerous task of pulling it to pieces, salvaging the best bits, making sure the research adds up - editing it! But I loved writing it. And, I don’t want to think about Christmas and all the things I have to do. Neither do I want want to acknowledge the nascent depression, that has been flapping its greasy wings in my face for over a year, threatening to grab hold of me and plunge me down into the abyss. What am I supposed to do now? Write another book you say, ah, OK then!

November motivation

Good morning, Reader,

I can't stay for long, I'm supposed to be writing a novel. On the one hand I'm wildly motivated and enthused, on the other I fear that I'm going to emerge from my cave at the end of November, covered in hair. I'm talking about a thick layer of stinking, matted hair! I'm having to wear noise cancelling headphones and ignore the children to try and meet my word count. It's making me even more insular than normal. I had to drag myself out for a fireworks display at the school last night and I felt quite fearful.

Another thing I'm supposed to be doing is cleaning, this is not something on the top of my list, I can tell you, but my house is mired in, what I like to think of as Bohemian squalor. I have this weird dichotomy between hating housework and resenting the fact that the bulk of it falls to me, and fearing germs. I can't afford a cleaner and a massive dose of liberal conscience would probably prevent me getting one even if I could afford it. So why hasn't anyone invented an affordable robot cleaner yet? I'm deadly serious here, why haven't they? Alexa, clean my house! I think I'd have a male robot cleaner called Sven. I'd program him to make me tea and ask me about my day, maybe we could have some light conversation about the works of Agatha Christie and the best places to go to for afternoon tea. I would talk to him for ages and say  “Stop me if I'm boring you.” And he'd say “Oh, you could never bore me, friend!” Perhaps I could program him to do the school run as well. Oops, I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on Sven.

Anyway, why am I rambling on in this manner? Am I just stopping by to say 'hi’ and keeping you from your day?

It occurs to me that I sometimes advocate things without actually doing them myself, for instance, exercise. I still do a lot of walking, that hasn't changed, but I've been told that it isn't enough (enough for who? Dunno, the health police I suppose). If I say that I'm going to do it here, on this blog, then it acts as a binding, legal contract. So, first off, yoga. I used to do it, quite enjoyed it, felt the benefit. And I'm going to start doing it again, at least 3 times a week.

If I don't stick to it I give you permission to take away my chocolate.

While we're here, I need to have written 50,000 words by the end of this month. NaNoWriMo. I started on the 1st November and have 16,000 words now, so am roughly on target, if I do my 1,666 words today. If I don't complete this task, you can have my beloved, illustrated copy of Pride and Prejudice.

So, we've entered into the contract now. If you like, we could do an exchange and I can come round to yours and kick you until you sign up for that skydiving course you've always been meaning to do. What do you say?

Go Ape: the most challenging thing I've done this year

Celebrate the Moment

I was chatting to this woman the other night, at a school drinks evening, and I felt that I’d met a kindred spirit. We had quite a lot in common and she too was an aspiring writer. I'd never really spoken to her properly before, beyond exchanging a 'hello' at the school gates but I'd got the impression that she was a lovely, warm person. I mentioned that I’d recently had a *short story published and added on the usual clauses that I feel the need to insert when people asked me about it: that it was being published by a small, independent publisher and that the book probably only had a very small print run, not widely available in shops or online book suppliers or anything. I said that I was torn between wanting to celebrate this fairly **minor achievement (**other people might see it as minor, but to me it’s actually a fairly big deal) and not wanting to make a fuss. I also said that I was tempted to say to people that I wanted to celebrate this because this might be it, this might be as good as it gets.  Then she replied;
“No, (you should) celebrate the moment!”
And I thought - what a lovely idea - celebrate the moment.

I love upbeat and positive people as I sometimes find it hard to cling to the positive myself. I’m a bit of a ‘but what if this happens?’ Chicken-Licken, kinda negative thinker. I find it easier to encourage other people and be positive for them, than for myself, I’m often anticipating disaster or rejection. So I really liked the ‘celebrate the moment’ ethos. It seemed both positive and Zen-like.

Twitter Wisdom
It also tied in with something I’d seen on Twitter, earlier on in the year, when someone said that with writing, success often happened in tiny little increments that were difficult to quantify.  You might be waiting to crack open the champagne until you’d won a competition or when you'd signed with an agent, only to defer it until you’d signed a book deal, then waited until you’d sold over a certain amount of copies, then won an award...The Twitter post urged you to celebrate every step of the way and it was very timely for me because an agent had asked to read my full manuscript.  This was the first time this had happened. I was cautiously optimistic and a wee bit excited. Surely I should wait until she said she wanted to take me on before I cracked open the bubbly? Then I saw the thing on Twitter and duly broke the foil on a bottle of fizz (Prosecco, not champagne). It was a moment to enjoy because it was a sign that someone's interest had been piqued. In the end the agent decided to pass, I was crushed but at the same time I didn't feel too silly for celebrating the small breakthrough, as I’d never even got that far before.

Why should we need an excuse to have a celebration?

• I think in life it’s important to celebrate the little things rather than waiting for something ‘big enough’ to come along. I don’t think we should wait for a ‘big’ birthday or a significant anniversary to come along, before we have a big old knees up, I think we ought to make a fuss about being married for eleven years or about turning nineteen. Or, if parties aren’t a person's bag, do something that we really enjoy.  Sometimes we might think it unseemly or showy to make a fuss but it’s actually really nice to mark things.

I’ve been a little bit passive in the past but if other people don’t give you the fanfare you want - create it yourself.

P.S you can buy the short story anthology here:

https://margocollective.com/product/chains-unheard-voices/?platform=hootsuite&fbclid=IwAR3UmalaoGVwc9iM1M6gPYtocyfB0BZB_CT7BHw-NzfN2N6jnsRl8Le0lxg

Stockholm Syndrome

“Why would any woman vote for Trump?”
A male friend asked me, in 2016, when the gibbering orange baboon was elected to high office.
“Search me, guv!” I said, or something similar.
I can no way claim to speak for all women, unlike a man in my former writing group who used to constantly tell me, when he read about something my male characters had done;
“A man wouldn’t do that!” Because he obviously speaks for all men.
Why would any woman have voted for someone who claimed that you should grab women ‘by the pussy’? Why would any woman cheer as Brett Kavanaugh* was confirmed as supreme court justice? This is obviously a complex psychological and  socio-political issue which I shall attempt to unravel and reduce to an idiot’s guide. (I’m the idiot, reader, not you!).
I really don’t want to dwell on this issue, it pains me to write about it but I feel that I have to.
*https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-45660989

In the beginning

It is an established fact, in the world of psychology and beyond, that when you are a child and your parents mistreat you in any way - beat you, call you nasty names, any of the whole gamut of forms of abuse, as a child you perceive the fault to be within yourself, rather than in your parent. It is too painful to entertain the fact that your parents aren’t perfect, so you internalise the guilt instead. It is only when you reach adolescence that you begin to challenge this view. Perhaps some people never do challenge this view? The ones who will tell you that they were thrashed to within an inch of their lives and it never did them any harm? The ones who might joke about their rough treatment by qualifying it with the comment that they were a ‘right little shit’ or perhaps ‘a bit of a handful’. None of us are perfect and I’m certain that I’m giving my kids a whole range of future neuroses - perhaps a germ phobia or an inability to cope well in crowds, to name but a few. It seems hard to believe that little kids think their parents are perfect because mine are always arguing with me and pointing out where they think I’m wrong, but there you are, you can’t argue with the facts…

What’s this got to do with anything?

You know those women who want to know what a woman was wearing when they find out that she was raped, you know those who say that a woman shouldn’t have been walking  alone at night? Why do they buy into such a misogynistic view? Why do they unquestioningly repeat the patriarchal lies? Is it because they are stupid or masochistic or is it because it’s easier to parrot the dominant ethos, rather than question it? Because once you do question it what you are left with is an ugly, unbalanced, unfair society where women are at the bottom of the pile.

Flight of fancy

Imagine a world where a man was walking on his own at night and a group of women attacked and sexually assaulted him and the judge, jury and media stated that it was his fault because he shouldn’t have been walking on his own. Moreover he was dressed very provocatively, in tight jeans and muscle T. His genitals could clearly be seen through the lines of his denim - meaning that he was asking to be assaulted.

Why did the women weep in support of Kavanaugh?

I don’t believe this to be purely a question of political allegiances, some right wing women
spoke out against Kavanaugh:

From the Guardian article:

'I'm on the brink of tears': how rightwing women reacted to Kavanaugh
28 September 2018

Some, of course, supported him every step of the way.

Kavanaugh's accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, still can't return home because of the death threats she's received, since coming forward with her accusations. Why would any woman voluntarily put herself up for that kind of abuse? Ford is a highly respected, intelligent woman, she must have anticipated some of the fallout from her claims, she talked of placing herself 'on the train tracks', of annihilation. One can only conclude that she was telling the truth, she knew what this man was capable of and was prepared to put herself through an excoriating public ordeal in order to highlight his shortcomings and prevent him holding a position of such great power.

And today the orange baboon apologised to Kavanaugh for what he has gone though...

Wake up women, wake up to the uncomfortable truth - the parent society is deeply, fundamentally flawed.

When I'm older...Oh, wait a miunte

Forgive me, dear reader, for writing such a self-obsessed and narcissistic blog post. I was half way through composing a piece about cover versions of songs then got side-tracked.

It started with a hair colour. My highlights were growing out and I could neither afford nor be bothered to have them done. A couple of weeks ago I got my kindly, obliging other half to help me do the roots of my hair - not to highlight them, you understand, but to colour them with my natural hair colour so it just looked like I had massive root re-groth, without the aggressive grey, pampas grass that would insist on sprouting up. So, basically, I was trying to pretend to be younger. Then I started to toy with the idea of dying my hair a purple-pink hue, which (in my imagination) would be picked up nicely on the highlighted bits of hair. I decided to be sensible and buy a wash-out spray rather than a permanent dye. I surprised the kids one day by spraying loads of it in after they got home from school (didn't risk doing the pick up like that). As the vivid purple colour faded to a more pastel violet, my daughter looked me thoughtfully and said:

“You look like you’ve got grey hair, with purple on top.”

Great! I thought. I’ve given myself a blue rinse!

So yesterday, still with a burning desire to look younger, I purchased a semi permanent colourant - a tube of red goo. On the box it looked red red, when it came out of the tube it was cherry red, however the resultant colour was a disgusting maroon. Worst of all, I thought, it made me look older.

“Why are you so obsessed with trying to look younger?” The old man asked me.

It's alright for him, he is unequivocally handsome - 'Handsome Al’ I call him. He might not be to everyone's taste but he has the cheekbones and the velvety eyelashes and the winning features that people seem to go for. I’m more of an acquired taste like olives, pickled walnuts and gin (urgh it tastes like earwax, hmmm, it's bitter but refreshing, hey but think of the vitamins in earwax!).
I’ve lost count of the number of women who’ve told me how lucky I am, with various degrees of snideness. 'You’re so lucky!’ they say - subtext - how on earth did you manage to snag him, you ugly bi-atch! My dears, I’m simply longing to say, next time I get one of those 'you're so lucky’s’ - "Yes, I ensnared him with my magic vagina." Do you dare me to?

Anyway, I digress, I’m not trying to look younger because people keep implying I’m punching above my weight, we’ve been together donkey's years and that's always been the case.
Is it because I saw a holiday photo, taken this year, where I managed to look both 6 months pregnant and like one of my great aunts. I wonder whether I’ll ever be pleasantly surprised by a photo rather than the total opposite. I’ve tried to embrace body positivity, I really have, but it's rather hard to do it in practice.

Is it because there are a couple of young folk in my office who were born in the 1990s? My new line manager was born the year that I met my husband. I mean, I was a teenager but I am technically old enough to be his mother. I keep trying to mask this by never mentioning Vesta curry or the miner’s strike but I fear that something will give the game away. I shouldn't worry about this - it's all meaningless, really and if I was advising anyone else I’d say to pay no heed to how things  look, just focus on your own happiness and fulfilment but even so…

Is it because I was an 'older’ Mum? My younger daughter keeps asking me how old I was when I had her and I keep knocking ten years off and telling her  that I was 29! Rather than have her blab my age to all her friends.

I think though, the stupid maroon hair dye was the last straw! I’m going to embrace my age. It's a fact, as much as my weight (gah!), eye colour and IQ. I’m going to shout about it more - I’m 44! Deal with it! I was listening to Suede first time around. I'm going to be 45 in 3 months time and that's fine, really it's fine, no really it's fine and if I hadn't been born in the '70s I’d never have seen Bagpuss. Well, maybe I would have as it still seems to be everywhere and I show it to my kids but I would never have seen Ludwig - the bizarre animation about the musical egg, which nobody but me seems to remember.

Yep, I’m not going to lie anymore, I owe it to the sisterhood. Ageing is just a fact. When I am older I shall not dye my hair purple.

My favourite Film

The Squid and the Whale ⭐⭐⭐⭐

2005: Writer/Director Noah Baumbach

Great ‘80s music amidst family strife.

The Squid and the Whale (2005) is set in Brooklyn in 1986 and details the breakup of the marriage of middle class intellectuals, Bernard and Joan, and the effect this has on their sons, Walt and Frank.

You might expect a film about divorce to tip over into sentimentality but The Squid and the Whale never does.  Instead it combines dark humour with hyper realism and gives an unflinching portrayal of the messy emotions involved in a divorce. The adult characters are deeply flawed and they are shameless in their attempts to get the boys on side. There’s a stark contrast between the intellectual pomposity of Bernard’s (Jeff Daniels) speech and the childish way in which he tries to score points off his estranged wife, Joan (Laura Linney).  This is embodied literally at the beginning of the film when the family are playing a game of doubles tennis and Bernard tells Walt to go for his mother’s backhand because it’s weak. The sides are clearly drawn at this point, pre-break-up, Walt allies himself to his father and Frank sides with his Mother.

Jesse Eisenberg’s character, Walt, is a fake, he emulates the grandiose speech of his father - ‘Don’t be difficult’, tries to pass a Pink Floyd song off as his own and recommends books to his girlfriend that he hasn’t actually read, himself.
Younger brother, Frank (Owen Kline), acts out his trauma in intensely anti-social ways.
All the characters are fully formed but perhaps none more so than Laura Linney’s, Joan. Joan is emerging as a respected writer and both her sons are disturbed by her obvious sexuality. Although Joan is portrayed as somewhat selfish, she also displays great insight, when she tells Walt:
‘You think you hate me, but you don’t’
Walt himself only becomes more sympathetic towards the end of the film when he relives a happy memory from childhood and we get to learn the origin of the film’s title.

There’s a touching moment between Bernard and Joan when they discuss the fact that Joan called Bernard’s father and Joan says she misses him (Bernard’s Dad). Both characters seem less defensive at this point and this instance of vulnerability, amongst other glimpses of humanity, save the film from being too brutal.

There is no disputing the fact that The Squid and the Whale is something of a (albeit underground) classic. Its arena of middle class intelligentsia is a world away from where I grew up and yet I got a massive jolt of recognition when I first saw it.  The striking thing is that for a film centred around people who hide behind intellectual facades, it is the most authentic portrayal of the fallout from a divorce that I’ve ever seen.

Noah Baumbach

Writer/Director Noah Baumbach went on to make While We’re Young (2014) and The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) (2017), amongst others. His films tend to be character driven, rather than plot driven but he always seems to coax brilliant performances from his actors. Adam Sandler is the least annoying I’ve seen him, since The Wedding Singer, in The Meyerowitz Stories.

I'd say that if you are a fan of the films of Woody Allen (before he became problematic) and enjoyed films like Juno and Ladybird then Noah Baumbach films would appeal to you. He's more subtle and just as funny as Judd Apatow, in my opinion, and sometimes it's just good to see a film where a family is more dysfunctional than your own.