The Perils of Parenthood

I think my children are trying to kill me. That might sound over dramatic; histrionic even, but let’s look at the evidence:

1. The perilous placing of toys - in the middle of the floor, in dark corridors, if we had any stairs I dare say they’d put them at the bottom or the top - wherever was calculated to cause the most damage. Whoops!
2. The glacial pace at which they get ready in the morning which seems to be a deliberate ploy to induce either a nervous breakdown or heart attack or both, in their parent. Picture the scene - everyone is ready, clothes on, teeth brushed, snot smear removed from cheek. They are suited, booted, gloved and hatted but, BUT, despite the fact that you urged them both to the toilet in good time, before you left, you are halfway down the street when one of them suddenly, urgently needs the lav.

And they are creative in their stress inducing wiles, they don’t want you to get bored, they like to mix things up a bit, so one of them - the younger, more troublesome one, decides that she wants to walk to school backwards!

3) Same troublesome younger child tells you that she wants you to die. Yes, she’s only four years old, she (allegedly) doesn’t understand what she’s saying, but how old was Damien? She’s capable of glaring like him, too. And baboons go mad around her. (OK, I made that last bit up and I am starting to feel guilty for comparing my child to the one in The Omen*). But, despite the fact that I got up earlier, got everything ready the night before, used the behaviour charts to induce them to get dressed, we were still borderline late this morning. We covered the last leg of the school run so quickly that the kids were almost levitating. Left younger child at the nursery door, trembling with rage (her - not me, she objected to the pace we were going at). Gave an evil, internal chuckle.

*The old man watched the Omen the other day and looked it up afterwards, to see what the kid who played Damien is up to these days. ‘What does he look like?’ I asked. ‘Just a boring, middle aged man.’ He replied. That can’t be right - surely the actor should look like a middle-aged Sam Neill, right?

4) Their seemingly incessant fighting; involving biting, scratching thumping and walloping. (Please see above re. stress.) I might have a selective memory here, but I’m sure my brother and I didn’t fight this badly (sound of grandparents cackling all over the globe).

So, what do we reckon? Demonic children or just standard family life?